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See Also: The Best Late-Night Jokes of Campaign 2008

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Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman

Nov. 25, 2008

"In a speech this morning, Barack Obama said, 'This isn't about big government or small government. It's about building a smarter government.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'I get it. I get it. I'm leaving.'"  --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.' Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats."  --Conan O'Brien

"Everyone's talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer's lot."  --Conan O'Brien

"It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'"  --Conan O'Brien

"Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'" --David Letterman

"That Obama is a smart, hard-working guy. And he has promised now to stabilize the economy, going to rebuild the infrastructure, create millions of new jobs, catch bin Laden. President Bush said, 'Uh, you can do that?'" --David Letterman

"A lot of people have forgotten about President Bush, but this transitional period is a busy time for President Bush as well. He's busy granting pardons. Today, he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric." --David Letterman

"And tomorrow, President Bush will pardon turkeys. This year, I think you know the turkeys, the Lehman brothers.
Here's what I don't like about the turkeys this year, they're arrogant. These turkeys that they're going to pardon this year, they're arrogant. They're flying in from Detroit on their private jets." --David Letterman

"But right now, right this very minute, Dick Cheney is waterboarding the turkeys." --David Letterman

"Listen to this, a guy in North Carolina, a mailman, a Federal employee, a postal worker, was arrested and put in jail. You know why? He would deliver regular mail, but he wouldn't deliver junk mail. They got the guy, they arrested him, and they put him in prison. We got that guy, but still no word on bin Laden." --David Letterman

"Welcome to 'The Tonight Show.' I have some wonderful news for you. Everyone in our audience tonight is getting a Federal bailout. Congratulations!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week." --Jay Leno

"No, I was watching one of the network financial people on cable news today. And they said, with this bailout thing, the government has set a precedent that if you're a large corporation losing money, you know, due to lack of creativity and poor business decisions, well, the government will just send you a check. So, good news for NBC. We're getting a check! Yeah!" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's people are trying to lower expectations for the new Obama administration, you know, because everybody thinks he's going to be able to fix things all at once. So the expectations are very high, but if they want to lower expectations, quit hiring the Clinton people and keep some of those Bush people on." --Jay Leno

"A political organization has filmed a new TV ad thanking Sarah Palin for all she did during the presidential campaign. Yeah. I believe the political organization is called the Democratic Party." --Jay Leno

"Now, because of the recent controversy, AIG, remember they got the big bailout, AIG? Well, they're now paying their CEO a salary, $1 a year. How many think that's fair? Yeah? How many still think he's overpaid? No, that's pretty good. I think that's a nice gesture, having the CEO work for just $1 a year. Oh, he'll still get his $300 million bonus, but the salary will be $1." --Jay Leno

"And this is true, the Big Three automakers are now talking about driving back to Washington in December. Remember the big uproar last week when they all flew to Washington in private jets? Well, now they're going to carpool. No, this is true. And to make sure there aren't any problems, they're driving a Toyota." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is bad. In fact, today -- you know the White House turkey? Turned down the pardon. Said all his money's in the market. Nothing left to live for." --Jay Leno

"Well, an estimated 271 million turkeys were raised in United States this year. That's not even counting the turkeys that are here illegally." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is." --Craig Ferguson

"Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

Nov. 24, 2008

"I guess Sarah Palin is back in Alaska, where she pardoned some turkeys for Thanksgiving. So she pardons them and then right behind her, someone kills some turkeys, and it was gruesome. I honestly haven't seen a slaughter like that since November 4." --David Letterman

"I heard today that the federal government was raising, like, $40 billion to bail out Citigroup. Honestly, when you think about it, who doesn't really feel sorry for credit card companies?" --David Letterman

"NASA has developed a urine machine that will convert urine into water. Well, guess what? It's on the blink. And you thought the coffee was bad where you work." --David Letterman

"And down in Washington, D.C., the Capitol Hill Christmas tree arrived. And there is no surprise here. You know, they've got to decorate the tree. So the contract to decorate the tree, a $10 billion ornament contract, went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton is going to be secretary of State in the Obama Administration. Well, political insiders are now saying that Barack and Hillary actually have a good working relationship, but they don't have a close personal relationship. No, wait a minute, that's Hill and Bill." --David Letterman

"In political news, it looks like Hillary Clinton accepted Barack Obama's offer to be secretary of state. Very exciting. She accepted after Barack Obama's vetting process could not find any link between her and Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno

"Another good day for the stock market. Up almost 400 points today. Yeah, listen to this. If this keeps up every day for the next three years, we'll almost be even again." --Jay Leno

"It looks like the government is going to bail out CitiGroup, yet they don't want to bail out the auto companies. See, I don't think this is fair. I mean, blue collar guys who make our cars, they don't get the bailout. But the white collar guys on Wall Street, they get the bailout. You know what I think we should do? I think they should work together. I think the guys in Detroit should keep making the cars, and the guys on Wall Street should be making the license plates. See what I'm saying?" --Jay Leno

"And the car companies don't like the word 'bailout.' They prefer to call it a '24-hour bail-a-thon! Come on down! Everything must go!'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, do you believe how much the price of gas has dropped? It's unbelievable. Given today how far it's gone down, I saw somebody driving a Prius today without a smug look on their face." --Jay Leno

"General Motors announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a spokesperson for General Motors said, 'Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular. And that's just not us.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama gave a press conference today. He says he is united with President Bush's administration on doing everything they can to fix the economy. When asked about it, President Bush replied, 'Uh, what he said,' and then went back to packing." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, during the press conference, Obama told reporters that the economy is likely to get worse. After hearing this, John McCain said, 'That's funny. He didn't mention that during the campaign.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Astronauts on board the International Space Station are trying to fix the machine that turns urine into drinking water. Well, actually, the urine converter was fixed days ago, but the astronauts keep saying, 'You try it. No, you try it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today Barack Obama announced his economic team. President Bush is working closely with them. Obama said his team has many obstacles to overcome, the biggest one being maybe that President Bush is working closely with them." --Craig Ferguson

"Joe Biden's replacement in the Senate has been picked. I don't know who it is yet, but that's a hell of a job. That’s a very big mouth to fill." --Craig Ferguson

"The astronauts were very busy up in the space station today, installing a machine that converts their urine into drinking water. I'm thinking, astronauts drinking their urine? America’s astronauts. Is the economy that bad? Remind me to never go to Buzz Aldrin's house for drinks again." --Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's Top 10 Sarah Palin Excuses For the Turkey Slaughter

10. I can see Russia, but I can't see what's going on 5 feet behind me
9. Not thinking straight after spending all night reading every newspaper and magazine
8. Damn "gotcha" media got me again!
7. My Remington shotgun says I don't need an excuse
6. Those were Al Qaeda turkeys 5. I thought they were just toruting the little guy
4. I mean, doggonit, you know, like we have to lower taxes, and like, it all falls under job security, and we need to drill, you know?
3. Uh, stomach flu?
2. I'll get right back to ya! I'm still adorable, America
1. Don't blame me! Blame Joe the Turkey Slaughterer

Nov. 21-22

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey is also a country. Did you see that all over the internet today? While Sarah Palin was pardoning a turkey, right behind her was a guy slaughtering turkeys. ... But, see, like most internet stories, a little half-true. Turns out that, after a couple of minutes listening to Sarah Palin's voice, the turkeys said 'Kill us now.'" --Jay Leno

"U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they're having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here's what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion." --Jay Leno

"General Motors announced they are selling two of their private jets. The bad news? They're being bought by the executives at AIG."  --Jay Leno

"Well, it doesn't look as if the U.S. automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said yesterday they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money just to keep making the same stupid mistakes. And, believe me, when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it's talking about."  --Jay Leno

"In an editorial this week, Mitt Romney said we should let Detroit go bankrupt. He feels the car industry is not worth bailing out. The only industries that Romney would bail out? The tanning booth industry, tooth polishing industry and hair dye industry. Everything else can pretty much go to hell."  --Jay Leno

"See, the problem for the automakers is there's not a big demand for their cars right now. Here's how you fix that: You get Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, get them back on the highway crashing into people, okay? This would create a demand for new cars, and they will all be back in business again."  --Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart has chosen a new CEO. They went a little different way this time, interesting. Seems this guy is an actual U.S. citizen."  --Jay Leno

"The Obama transition team has leaked that his top choice for homeland security chief is Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano. Her first job? Find out who leaked her name."  --Jay Leno

"Well you know what's really strange? If she gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn't president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. 'Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.'" --Jay Leno

"And how out of it is President Bush? Today, they asked him what he thought about Napolitano; he said, 'It's delicious, especially the strawberry part.'" --Jay Leno

"Is it me, or is Barack Obama on the cover of, like, every magazine now? I went to the newsstand. Joey, hand me that, will you? ... Here's Barack: cover of Time, Men's Health, GQ, Tiger Beat, 'Is he the fourth Jonas Brother?' ... Cat Fancy [on screen: image of Obama's face superimposed on a cat's body]... Even the Harlequin Novel people came out with this: Between Barack and a Hard Place [on screen: image of Obama, shirtless, on cover of romance novel clutching wife Michelle passionately in his arms]" --Jay Leno

"You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"But, no, they're not going to have department-store Santa Claus, so if you take your kids in there, you've got to give your list to the girl who sprays you and I with perfume." --David Letterman

"How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she's very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house. But she's got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal." --David Letterman

"Thanksgiving, just around the corner. And you can tell it's Thanksgiving 'cause I turn on the TV this morning, there's 'The Rachael Ray Show.' You watch 'The Rachael Ray Show.' And, by God, there's Sarah Palin stuffin' a moose. But, you know, it's a great time of year to help people less fortunate than we are. So this Thanksgiving, if you can, why not bring home a Lehman Brother?" --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama's offer to become secretary of state. That's what they're saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said 'yes.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The three auto companies in the United States, they're all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, '$25 billion.' They just want that money; they don't care. That's without mud flaps." --Conan O'Brien

"A New York elementary school became the first school in the country to be named after Barack Obama. Yeah, that's very nice. Yeah, unfortunately, no one likes their team's new nickname, the Fighting Husseins." --Conan O'Brien

"Diane Sawyer had an exclusive interview tonight on '20/20' with former Governor Eliot Spitzer's high-class call girl. Remember this? Her name's Ashley Dupre. This is the first time she's spoken on camera about doing it with governor. And, she claims she didn't know Spitzer was the governor when he hired her for sex. She wouldn't say how often they got together. And this is kinda the strange thing: She doesn't think of herself as a prostitute [on screen: Dupre uses the word 'escort,' and then is asked by Sawyer, 'What's the difference?' Dupre, in response, 'I think ... it's the same.']. Okay, so they agreed to agree. Escorts also tend to have more teeth in my experience." --Jimmy Kimmel

"According to some statistics the government released yesterday, Mexican immigration to the United States has dropped 42 percent over the last two years. And you have to hand it to President Bush, he knew that the way to stop people from sneaking into the country, it's not to build a fence or a wall, it's to make this country very undesirable. Most illegal immigrants come here to make money, but now we don't have any money anymore. That's Number 43 for you, always thinking ahead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It was reported that Sarah Palin is close to signing a book deal worth $7 million. The book could set a new record for most apostrophes [on screen: a 'cover' of Palin's book, called 'Jus' Tellin' My Story']" --Seth Meyers

Late-Night TV Videos
SNL: Rahm Emanuel Special Message
SNL: Bill Clinton on Hillary as Secretary of State
SNL: Arianna Huffington Impersonation

Nov. 20, 2008

"John McCain announced today that he is beginning his 2010 senatorial campaign. And I'm thinking, wow! Two more years of a John McCain campaign, hey, cut me a slice of that!" --David Letterman

"But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair." --David Letterman

"And then the Bush twins grabbed a candle and took the kids on a tour of Cheney's torture chamber." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton, what a stand-up guy. He went to Barack Obama and he said he will do anything to help Hillary become secretary of State. He said, "Look, I'll remove my profile from eHarmony.com. And he's going to place all his interns in a blind trust." --David Letterman

"Well, here's some exciting television news. Tomorrow night, Ashley Dupre, who was involved with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, will be interviewed tomorrow night on '20/20.' Unless of course she has to rush back to Washington to fix the economy." --David Letterman

"But we're coming out of the last few weeks, days of the President Bush Administration, and President Bush is changing a lot of laws so you've got to keep your eye on him. And what he's doing now, one of the things that really upsets me, he's taken a lot of things, a lot of stuff, off the endangered species list. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you like endangered species? Well, so I do. I had one for lunch. But I'll tell you, this taking things of the endangered species list is bad, it's really bad. In fact, it is really bad news for that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman

"Executives of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler testified on Capitol Hill, trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Dick Cheney whispered in his ear, 'Cars use oil.'" --Jay Leno

"Today, Congress demanded a business plan from the three automakers before they'd even consider giving them taxpayer money. A business plan? How come we didn't get to see a business plan before Congress gave away 750 billion of our dollars?" --Jay Leno

"I've got an idea. How about this idea? Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, give it to us, with the provision it can only be used to buy a Corvette. They get the money, everybody back to work, and we all get a new car!" --Jay Leno

"International maritime officials say 39 ships have been hijacked by pirates this year on the high seas. See, luckily, we don't have pirates in America that rob and plunder. We just have CEOs." --Jay Leno

"Ashley Dupre, the prostitute at the center of the Eliot Spitzer story -- remember, the New York governor caught with the prostitute -- giving an interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC tomorrow night. It will be on their new show, 'Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition.'" --Jay Leno

"She's in People magazine, Ashley Dupre. She wants to put it all behind her. Yeah. She says that when she told her mom she was a hooker, her mom was supportive. Really? How do you show you're supportive of your daughter's hooking career? What, do you have a bumper sticker sticker? 'Oh, my daughter is a honor hooker at the Emperor's Club.'" --Jay Leno

"Ashley Dupre said she was sorry for the pain she caused Eliot Spitzer's wife. She said she felt connected to her. You know, maybe if she hadn't been connected to her husband, none of this would have happened." --Jay Leno

"Actually, there's one awkward moment during the interview. While she was talking to Diane Sawyer, Governor Spitzer called in and said, 'How much for the both of them?' That was really awkward." --Jay Leno

"The auto executives for the Big Three are being criticized now, because, before they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, 'We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she's the Vice President of Missouri." --Conan O'Brien

"Oprah Winfrey just announced that she's planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration. Oprah says she's very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world." --Conan O'Brien

"It's Vice President-elect Joe Biden's birthday today. And Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday, which is a smart gift to give Biden because when his mouth is full of cupcakes he can't say anything stupid." --Craig Ferguson

"In case you didn't hear, the economy is having a going out of business sale right now. The Dow took another major dive today. It lost 443 points. That adds up to 873 points over the last two days. The Dow is dropping so frequently they have decided to just add an 'n' to the end of it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush has exactly two months left in office. His team is already hard at work packing his Legos for the long move back to Texas." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Letterman Phones Katie Couric to Talk About McCain Diss
Daily Show: Dude, Where's My Car Industry?
A Colbert Christmas: Another Christmas Song
A Colbert Christmas With Jon Stewart

Nov. 19, 2008

"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money." --Jay Leno

"That's the big debate in Washington, now, whether to bail out Detroit automakers. Because if they went under, we'd lose millions and millions of jobs. You know what we need to do? And this is what I think would work. We need to get Oprah to buy everybody a car again, that would turn this thing around!" --Jay Leno

"The three C.E.O.s made a huge mistake today. You may have seen this -- they each flew to Washington in their own private jet to ask for $25 billion bailout. Even A.I.G. executives are going, 'What are you thinking?'" --Jay Leno

"They each took their own private jet that cost $20,000 round trip. And here's the sad part, today the Japanese announced they have a jet that costs half that and gets better mileage." --Jay Leno

"Sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be thousands of Obama babies born, 'cause a lot of people celebrated a big victory by having sex. But, you know, they act like this is new. This is not new. In fact, you know, John McCain was a Lincoln baby." --Jay Leno

"Once he becomes president, Barack Obama will not be allowed to use his Blackberry, or even his email anymore for, security reasons. Obama says, even if he can't email, he still wants to be the first president to have a laptop on his desk in the Oval Office. See, Bush thought he had a laptop. Turns out it was just an Etch-a-Sketch." --Jay Leno

"Because he's a kind of a techno guy, the press is calling Obama the first wired president. As opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president." --Jay Leno

"Al-Qaeda released a new tape today, in which they used a racial slur directed at President-elect Barack Obama. Hey, al-Qaeda thought it was tough dealing with the U.S. military? Now they've got Al Sharpton coming after them, alright?" --Jay Leno

"The word is that Hillary Clinton does want the job as secretary of state. And as you know, the secretary of state serves at the pleasure of the president, to which Bill said, 'Yeah, that will be a first.'" --Jay Leno

"And the longest-serving Republican senator, Ted Stevens of Alaska, was just convicted of seven felonies. He's on his way to jail, lost his Senate race in a squeaker, a squeaker. Which, ironically, is what they call the new guy in prison." --Jay Leno

"Eliot Spitzer's call girl, remember her? She's being interviewed on '20/20' this Friday. And she told '20/20,' no matter how long the interview lasts, even if the interview's only 15 minutes, they still have to pay for the whole hour." --Jay Leno

"Pirates from Somalia hijacked a Saudi Arabian super tanker full of oil and are holding it for ransom. You know what you call someone who hijacks a ton of oil [and] holds it for ransom? Anybody know? Exxon Mobil." --Jay Leno

"Is it chilly outside today? I'm telling you, coming to work today, it was so cold, I was shaking like Sarah Palin taking a geography test." --David Letterman

"Auto executives, the Big Three, are asking Congress now for bailout money. Yeah. Hey, don't kid yourself. Things are getting desperate, and if they get any worse, these guys may have to trim their $10 million bonuses." --David Letterman

"The annual People magazine 'World's Sexiest Man' issue is on the stands today. Hugh Jackman, 'sexiest man alive.' But this is odd -- Al Franken is demanding a recount." --David Letterman

"Are you excited about Hillary Clinton? It looks like she'll be named Secretary of State. They're talking about that. And she'll also receive the home version of the presidency and some other wonderful prizes." --David Letterman

"Do you like those al Qaeda guys? They’re creepy, aren't they, those al Qaeda guys? And they're taunting us now. And this guy, al-Zawahiri, he's like the second guy in charge, he released one of those wise guy, smart-alecky audio tapes. In it, he condemns the United States, just flat, right across the board. And at the end, he wants to know if he can get some of that sweet Federal bailout money." --David Letterman

"Earlier today, the heads of GM, Ford, and Chrysler appeared together in front of Congress to ask for a $25 billion bailout. And here's what's interesting. When asked what they would do with the money, all three of them said, 'Buy a new BMW.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday was a nice day. Barack Obama's daughters Malia and Sasha made their first visit to the White House. The girls were excited to see where they'll be living, and President Bush was excited to finally have somebody to play hide-and-seek with." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, Bill Clinton said, if it will help Hillary become secretary of state, he'd be willing to release his financial records. Yeah. Yeah, meanwhile, Hillary said, if it will help her get the job, she'll release Bill's testicles. They've been in the jar so long." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, John McCain met with his advisers to prepare to run for reelection to the Senate. Yeah. Apparently, McCain's new campaign slogan is, 'Now 100 percent Sarah Palin-free.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The big rumor yesterday was that Barack Obama would select Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state. Now it seems like that might not be the case and there are a lot of theories as to why. But maybe the best indicator that she might not take the job, apparently this morning, Bill took down his e-Harmony page." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night TV Videos
Letterman Talks to Katie Couric About Palin Interview
Daily Show: Lieberman and Stevens
Daily Show: Dick Cheney Indicted
Daily Show: Back in Black: Obama Merchandise
Colbert: A Colbert Christmas Preview with Jon Stewart

Nov. 18, 2008

"Cold here in New York City today, so cold that Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens." --David Letterman

"How about that Sarah Palin? A lot of people said, what will happen to her when she goes back to being the governor of Alaska? Don't worry: book deal, $7 million. She got it through a guy named Joe the Publisher." --David Letterman

"And they said, well, how about writing a book? She said, 'You betcha. As long as I don't have to read it.'" --David Letterman

"Seven million dollars. So maybe now she can afford her own clothing." --David Letterman

"Thanksgiving just around the corner. Do you feel like Thanksgiving, folks? You know, it's a time when people can do nice things for others who are less fortunate. I hope you're planning on doing something for people less fortunate. For example, if you get the opportunity, if you have your Thanksgiving dinner, invite a Lehman brother." --David Letterman

"President Bush is opening up more air space for travel during Thanksgiving. You're saying, what exactly are you talking about? I'm talking about air space. You know, like between his ears." --David Letterman

"John McCain and Barack Obama met yesterday. You know, they're going to bury the hatchet. In politics, they call that reaching across the aisle. Usually when John McCain reaches across the aisle, it's to grab the Metamucil." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama, like many people, uses a Blackberry, but the Secret Service says this is a security hazard, so they took it away. I'm thinking, well, this is not fair. George Bush, do they let him keep his Gameboy? What's the problem?" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me." --David Letterman

"Everybody is excited about this, like a rock-and-roll star this Barack Obama. And remember at the convention or something and he did that thing with his wife, the fist-bump? And so now is, like, doing the fist-bump. And don't confuse that fist-bump with the last Democratic president's trademark. That was the intern-bump." --David Letterman

"It's great to be here in Los Angeles, what's left of it. These wildfires continuing to burn here in LA. I haven't seen anything go up in smoke like this since my 401(K)." --Jay Leno

"It's now being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of secretary of state. Actually, this works out great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can get back to concentrating on domestic affairs." --Jay Leno

"The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, 'cause he's very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he'll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we're just not ready for a Blackberry president." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. To make it closes, he's going to turn it into a bank." --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Post, Sarah Palin may appear on the season finale of 'Desperate Housewives.' And, a related story: John McCain just got a big Flomax commercial." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to MSNBC, Sarah Palin could get $7 million when she signs her book deal, $7 million. You know who's really excited about this? Neiman Marcus." --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday, convicted Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska, 85 years old. He didn't get any gifts. At least, he didn't report any." --Jay Leno

"Forecasters at the Federal Reserve in Philadelphia said the U.S. has been in a recession for the last 14 months. Thank you, Nostradamus! That's how you know things are slowing down, when forecasters are now predicting the past." --Jay Leno

"You know what the definition of recession is? A recession is two consecutive quarters of declining productivity. Or, as the Clippers call that, 'halftime.'" --Jay Leno

"There is good news for friend-of-the-show and fair-weather friend of the Democratic Party Joe Lieberman. After supporting a Republican for president, today, Lieberman found out his fate. ... Turns out having to hang out with Lindsey Graham was punishment enough. The senator was so grateful, he could barely contain his enthusiasm [on screen: Lieberman, droll, 'It's a resolution of reconciliation and not retribution, and I appreciate it.']. Just look at the joy on his, I want to say, 'face.' So congratulations, senator. In the end, your support for McCain didn't help 'Joe the Plumber,' but, more importantly, it didn't hurt 'Joe the Lieberman'" --Stephen Colbert

"President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Did you see that? They got together. ... And both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is still busy. People act as if President Bush is done now, but he's not. He's still doing things, he's still busy. Yesterday, President Bush awarded -- this is true -- a national Medal of the Arts to Stan Lee, the comic-book artist who created Spiderman. ... Afterwards, Bush said it was the first thing he's done as president that felt right." --Conan O'Brien

"Political experts say Hillary Clinton may not be given the position of secretary of state because of Bill Clinton's activities. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, when he heard this, Bill said, 'It's only fair; she denies me positions all the time.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Obama appears to have selected an attorney general and it looks like Hillary Clinton might be his secretary of state. Boy, I guess that's good for her, but Hillary went from almost being the president to a secretary. Sounds like somebody needs to watch 'Working Girl' again, because that's not how it's supposed to work." --Jimmy Kimmel

"For those that don't follow politics closely, the secretary of state is the person who travels all over the world, meeting with foreign leaders for weeks and sometimes months at a time with long stretches of being away from his or her husband, but that's just a sacrifice Bill isn't willing to make. It's almost as if he told Obama, 'Listen, I'll campaign for you, I'll raise money, just get her the hell out of here, as far away as possible.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"So why would Obama consider putting so many of his political rivals in his Cabinet? What's he thinking? [on screen: ABC's Donaldson: 'It's better to have them inside the tent peeing out than outside the tent peeing in.'] [picking up phone] Yeah, Carol, it's Mr. S. Uh, cancel this weekend's camping trip with Sam Donaldson. Are those really our only two choices: p***ing in the tent or p***ing out? You know what Americans want? We want a government that pees very far away from the tent, into some kind of urine-holder-fixture type deal" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard During Obama's Meeting With McCain

10. Oh, just preparing to be President. What have you been up to?
9. I know a guy who would be a perfect Secretary of Plumbing.
8. What is the deal with that Alaskan babe?
7. Let's wrap this up; Wheel of Fortune's on.
6. Seriously, what was the deal with that Alaskan babe?
5. Actually, it's now the "Straight Talk Express and Girls Gone Wild bus."
4. Uh John, this isn't another debate.
3. Where's the soup? Someone said there'd be soup!
2. I know I'm trailing by 192 electoral votes two weeks after the election, but I've got you right where I want you!
1. Maybe you'd be President-elect if you hadn't crossed Letterman

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Report: A Colbert Christmas Preview
Daily Show: Obama: Chicago Pope
Daily Show: Obama's Team of Rivals

Nov. 17, 2008

"How about this, they're talking about Hillary Clinton maybe secretary of state. She takes that job, it means she will be spending a lot of time away from home. So today she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers, and then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill." --David Letterman

"Now this is a tough process because when, you know, you are going to appoint to you a Cabinet-level position, there is a whole process. It is a vetting process. And a questionnaire, and there was some trouble, because they filled out the questionnaire, running the check on Hillary. Listen this. Turns out, she was married to a guy who was once impeached." --David Letterman

"Everybody is kind of making up and getting back together. Senator McCain and President-elect Barack Obama met, got together and had a nice visit. And Barack Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick. And then Barack Obama said to McCain, Hey, I'm catching up with you. I just got a second home." --David Letterman

"President-elect Barack Obama now, while he is the president, he can't use ... his Blackberry. Fortunately, the good news for John McCain, he can continue to use the Clapper. That's not a problem." --David Letterman

"According to Newsweek, sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be tens of thousands of what they call 'Obama babies.' Psychologists say this is not unusual, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. That's true. See, that's why there's never been any Detroit Lions babies." --Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is that Barack Obama has offered the job of secretary of state to Hillary Clinton. But that's kind of sad, don't you think? I mean think how close Hillary Clinton came to being the first female president of the United States. Her next job offer, oh, a secretary." --Jay Leno

"Actually, I think Hillary Clinton would be a great secretary of state. You know, she can cackle in seven different languages." --Jay Leno

"Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions." --Jay Leno

"When Sarah Palin heard about McCain meeting with Obama, she accused McCain of palling around with terrorists." --Jay Leno

"Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He's the first wired president. ... He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they're easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, 'OMG! WTF?' I mean, he couldn't believe it." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. 'Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.'" --Jay Leno

"Last night on '60 Minutes,' Barack Obama, he spoke at length about his life these days. And he said that since he won the election, he has slept in his own bed every night. Isn't that nice? Yeah. And after hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Man, this guy has a lot to learn. He's doing it all wrong.'" --Conan O'Brien

"At a big photo op today, earlier today in Chicago, Barack Obama tried to smooth things over by meeting with his former opponent, John McCain. The two got together. Obama congratulated McCain on running a good campaign, and McCain congratulated Obama on being a stupid jerk face. He's still mad." --Conan O'Brien

 Henry Kissinger's in the news. Henry Kissinger says if Barack Obama picks Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state, it will be a sign of great courage on his part. Yeah, then Kissinger said, 'Seriously, Barack, protect your nuts. She's crazy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Everyone's talking about the transition to the White House, and everyone's talking about how he's going to get a dog for his little girls. Well, Barack says he's taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters, because he's looking for a pet that won't shed its hair. Yeah, that's true. Which is the exact same reason, apparently, he picked Joe Biden." --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Obama is meeting every day with his transition team, or in Beltway lingo, his trannies. They are helping him pick who will be in his new government. Over 7,000 presidential appointments are up for grabs. The Obama administration is making history once again by being the only place in America that is currently hiring." --Stephen Colbert

Late-Night TV Videos
Colbert Report: GMA Appearance
Colbert Report: Obama Is Hiring
Colbert Report: Tom Brokaw Interview
Daily Show: Indecision 2008: Director's Cut

Nov. 14-15, 2008

"President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, President President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that's easy to train. Bush said it took almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter." --Jay Leno

"President Bush visited Wall Street yesterday, nothing to do with the economy. He just wanted to see something that had dropped more than his approval rating." --Jay Leno

"According to CNN, Barack Obama's popularity going into office is higher than Clinton's, Reagan's or either of the President Bush's when they entered office. It's much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That's on CNN. On Fox, he's somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning." --Jay Leno

"President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.'" --Jay Leno

"The big rumor in Washington is that Barack Obama is considering Hillary Clinton to replace Condoleezza Rice as his secretary of state. How about that, huh? That would make Hillary the new white rice, I guess." --Jay Leno

"And this coming Monday, Barack Obama is going to have a meeting with John McCain. They're going to get together. McCain's still being a little stubborn. He insisted it be a town hall meeting." --Jay Leno

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Vice President Dick Cheney. And you know, you'd think there'd be animosity, no, no. Vice President Cheney was very nice. In fact, Cheney even sent his own personal ambulance to pick him up." --Jay Leno

"Disgraced congressman Mark Foley is talking to the press again. Do you know who he is? Do you remember this Mark Foley guy? He was the congressman who got caught sending explicit emails to underage male pages. Remember that? Do you think he learned his lesson? I don't know. Do you know why he's in town? Jonas Brothers concert. Yeah. It seems so wrong." --Jay Leno

"Well, it looks like Guantanamo Bay is going to be closed. Hey, that shows you how tough times are, when even terrorists are losing their homes." --Jay Leno

"In a speech about the economy, President Bush said, 'Our actions are having an impact.' Yeah, I think it's called a recession." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin this week was on her 'You've Got to be Kidding Me' tour. She did more interviews than she did during the campaign, this week. She was on Matt Lauer, she was on Greta Van Susteren, Wolf Blitzer, Larry King. She would have done this show, she said, but there was a scheduling conflict. Either that, or it was because I called her a retarded stewardess." --Bill Maher

"They asked Palin on Fox if she was going to run for president in 2012, and she said, and I'd like to quote this directly. She said, 'I'm like, okay God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I want. I always pray. I'm like, don't let me miss the open door.' Even Britney Spears is at home going, 'You dumb s**t.' Yeah, and you know what Sarah, if God leaves that door open, don't let it hit you in the ass, okay, honey?" --Bill Maher

"Speaking of Alaskans who won't go away, you know who Ted Stevens is, right? He's the 84-year-old convicted felon and senator from Alaska who, even though he's a convicted felon, was running for office and basically tied the other guy. It looked like he was ahead, they're still contesting it. Now they say he's behind in the vote count. Whether he wins or not, he's going to prison. It's just way better to have your cellmate introduce you as 'my distinguished colleague,' as opposed to 'my bitch.'" --Bill Maher

"The big political scuttlebutt now is that Obama apparently is asking Hillary Clinton to be secretary of state. A grueling job that would take her all over the world, constantly away from home. Bill Clinton said 'Go for it!'" --Bill Maher

"Cindy McCain was in the Enquirer, did you see this? Apparently, she is cheating on John McCain. They had a picture of her sucking face with a guy they said was an '80s rocker. Ooh, such mystery. Who could that be? Billy Squier? Billy Idol? I don't know. But yeah, apparently, poor John McCain. Unlucky in love. Fortunately, he still has his reputation and his career." --Bill Maher

"President-elect Barack Obama is hard at work selecting a cabinet. And the big rumor today is he might name Hillary Clinton secretary of state. That would be something -- finally a secretary Bill doesn't want to sleep with." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama and his family are still looking for a dog for the White House. I hear the Beverly Hills Chihuaha is on the short list. They are looking for a pet that does not shed. So I'm thinking that rules out that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman

"The last one to be leashed and neutered in the White House was Bill Clinton in his second term." --David Letterman

"Earlier in the week, you know, this is historic when you think about it, you had President-elect Barack Obama going to the White House for a tour with George Bush, president inept. Not much of a tour. At one point, George Bush pointed out the window and said, over there, that's where we play t-ball. And that was it." --David Letterman

"But the Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they've lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They're going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"The Republican party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party's history. Isn't that incredible? That's big news. First African-American, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who's white." --Conan O'Brien

"Big changes, of course, in store for the Obama family. They've been writing about when Barack Obama's daughters, Malia and Sasha, move into the White House, they're gonna have to get used to having a chef cook all their meals. Yeah, the White House chef is furious about the kids. And he said, 'Great, four more years of making Spaghettio's and chicken fingers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain was once again campaigning yesterday. This is true. This time for a Republican senator who's facing a runoff election. So, McCain is out there stumping for him. And you can tell McCain's a little bitter about his defeat because, instead of saying, 'my friends,' he now says, 'my ungrateful bastards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"People in the publishing industry are starting to speculate that President Bush is gonna write a book after he leaves office. Yeah, and by write, they mean draw." --Conan O'Brien

"Americans say they are planning to do a lot of their holiday shopping this year at warehouse stores like Costco. Beause, folks, nothing says Merry Christmas like 90 rolls of toilet paper." --Conan O'Brien

"It's official. For the next four years, it will be pronounced 'nuclear' [on screen: photo of Obama]." --Seth Meyers

On Monday, First Lady Laura Bush gave Michelle Obama a private tour of their residence, without once taking her hand off her pocketbook." --Seth Meyers

"Aides to Barack Obama are preparing a major expansion of the White House communications operations, which will enable them to reach out through the internet directly to the many Obama supporters they collected during the campaign. I just hope he's not one of those guys who updates his Facebook status every five seconds." --Seth Meyers

"Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration. 'Of course,' said Hillary. 'I'll take president.'" --Seth Meyers

Late-Night TV Videos
Late-Night Jokes of the Week
SNL: Joe Biden's Gaffes
Daily Show: Obama and Hitler

Nov. 13, 2008

"Joe Biden got together today with Dick Cheney and the girls, the ladies, the wives, they all had dinner. And the meal went great. I mean, they only had to shock Cheney back to life twice." --David Letterman

"And at one point during this meeting, Joe Biden turns to Cheney and he says, 'Dick, tell me, what is it like being second-in-command?' And Cheney said: 'Hell, I don’t know. Ask Bush.'" --David Letterman

"How about that Sarah Palin? She could be appearing on 'Desperate Housewives,' and when John McCain heard about this, he went to his staff and he said, “I would kind of like to be on 'Bonanza.'" --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, 'Well, hasn't she helped him enough already?'" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama has chosen Rahm Emanuel to be his chief of staff. Obama is also bringing in Madeleine Albright to be part of the transition team. So now, it looks like what Barack Obama is doing, he's just bringing back all our favorites from the Clinton Administration, you know, except for that heavyset intern." --David Letterman

"It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, 'In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama." -Jay Leno

"Well, there was a big meeting today between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney, or, as they're calling it, plugged hair meets plugged arteries. That does seem cruel. See, I prefer to call them foot-in-mouth meets shot in face." -Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called for emergency assistance for the auto industry. She said it is absolute emergency. But see, since it's Nancy Pelosi, nobody can tell from her facial expressions if it's an emergency." -Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney and Fred Thompson went on a luxury cruise this week to try and come up with a plan to revive the Republican party, and to get it more in touch with average Americans. I got an idea, how about no more luxury cruises. Why don't you work out of the Embassy Suites?" -Jay Leno

"Cuba's Raul Castro is going to visit Russia next year, to which President Bush said, man, how long is that raft trip going to take?" -Jay Leno

"Well, the National Enquirer now says that after campaign staffers blamed her for losing the election, Sarah Palin went on a rampage of yelling and screaming and throwing things. But see, that's the National Enquirer. Are you going to believe them? Come on. Hey, these are the same people who, a year ago, said John Edwards was having an affair. See what I'm saying?" -Jay Leno

"Actually, Sarah Palin is being courted by a lot of big Hollywood talent agencies. The rumor is she could get her own talk show. She'd be a lot like Rush Limbaugh, but with smaller breasts." -Jay Leno

"American Express is now looking to borrow three and a half billion dollars from the taxpayers. Three and a half billion dollars. You know what? I think we should lend them the money, but, do like they do with us: charge 18% interest, which will go to 34% if they miss a payment. I think that's the way to do it" --Jay Leno

"In Washington, D.C., today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president's living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he'll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Bush was in New York, and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other major problems facing the country. That's right. The speech was called 'So Long Suckers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Republican Party is considering choosing an African-American to be their party's chairman. Yeah. Unfortunately, neither guy wants the job." --Conan O'Brien

"American Express is in financial trouble. The company reportedly wants a $5.5 billion loan from the government. Yeah, unfortunately for American Express, the government only takes Visa and Diners Club." --Conan O'Brien

"This is nice. Barack Obama’s daughters he been invited to appear in an episode of the show, 'Hannah Montana.' Isn't that nice? Yeah, President Bush is furious and insists that because he's still president, he should be invited first." --Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of the Dick Cheney/Joe Biden Meeting

10. Cheney barred the door and yelled, "You'll never take me alive."
9. It was 3 hours of Guitar Hero.
8. Biden gave Cheney the number for his hair plug guy.
7. Enjoyed a nice lunch interrupted by two shotgun blasts and a heart attack.
6. Lynne Cheney blinking out in Morse code -- "Help me. Help me. Help me."
5. Cheney had to leave early to get Bush's head unstuck from a microwave oven.
4. Had a heart attack during a heart attack.
3. They agreed the "Late Show Fun Facts" book may just be the thing to bring this country together.
2. For about 20 minutes, Cheney's pacemaker got HBO.
1. Upon seeing Biden, Cheney muttered, "I was hoping for the Alaskan broad"

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Bill O'Reilly Interview
Daily Show: Baracknophobia: Post-Election Edition
Colbert Report: Rahm Emanuel's Finger

Nov. 12, 2008

"Egyptian archaeologists have discovered a 4300-year-old pyramid. And I’m thinking, there’s yet another house John McCain forgot about." --David Letterman

"This is an exciting time in Washington. Barack Obama is very busy. He is meeting with his advisors and picking out a cabinet. Meanwhile, John McCain is at Applebee's, blowing on his soup." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama says he’ll be living in the White House with his family, his two daughters and his wife, and his mother-in-law. Yeah, he may want to rethink closing Guantanamo, you know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"Anybody see Sarah Palin on the 'Today' show a couple of days ago, cooking? And people say, 'Well, can she cook?' Of course she can cook. After all, she cooked McCain’s goose." --David Letterman

"I guess after the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. Hear about that? Took his wife out on a date. Yeah. And today Bill Clinton, Edwards and Eliot Spitzer called him a new kind of Democrat." --Jay Leno

"When they move into the White House, Barack Obama's going to be getting a dog for his daughters. And he was very clear. You know, he's very strict. He said, 'You are going to have to feed it, you are going to have to give it water and you are going to have to clean up after him. Do you understand that?' Joe Biden said, 'Yeah.'" --Jay Leno

"And according to CNN, Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with them. Although, he may be able to get out of it under the domestic terrorist law." --Jay Leno

"President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don't know that things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain and said, 'You still want the job?'" --Jay Leno

"During the meeting with President Bush at the White House, President Bush told Barack Obama, even though they make you swear to protect the Constitution, you don't really have to do it. They can't do anything to you." --Jay Leno

"I don't think President Bush really understands this whole transition thing. Like he said today, he's glad the Obamas are moving in the day he leaves, because he didn't want to have to sell the White House in such a down market." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is all over the news lately. She told Matt Lauer on the 'Today' show that, yes, the rumors were true, on election night she did want to deliver her own concession speech and she was disappointed that she couldn't. Well, she shouldn't feel bad. Wait till 2012. Deliver it then." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you been following this election in Minnesota? This is crazy. Only a few hundred votes separate the two candidates, and ballots are showing up in the trunks of people's cars. Yeah, all kinds of odd places. Everybody is yelling fraud. Turns out, Minnesota is an old Indian word that means 'Florida.'" --Jay Leno

"And in his first public comment since he got caught with an underage male intern, former Congressman Mark Foley said today there's a huge difference between hitting on pre-pubescent boys and sending dirty text messages to 17-year-old young men. And as soon as he can figure out what the difference is, he'll let us know." --Jay Leno

"Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: 'Have you ever been videotaped screaming 'God damn America!'?" --Conan O'Brien

"The Secret Service recently gave Barack Obama's wife and daughters code names. These are the code names: Renaissance, Rosebud and Radiance. Apparently, the agent who created the names has a secret dream to get into the perfume business." --Conan O'Brien

"Some political analysts are saying the 1980s sitcom The Cosby Show helped Obama get elected because it portrayed a black family in a positive light. They also say Obama would have been elected 10 years ago if it weren't for Flavor Flav." --Conan O'Brien

"Now that Barack Obama has been elected president, producers in Hollywood say they think America is now ready for a black James Bond and a black Wonder Woman. Isn't that cool? Yeah, hell, America may even be ready for a black Michael Jackson." --Conan O'Brien

"[Sarah Palin] is fighting the perception that her seeming inability to give straightforward answers to our most basic civics and issue-related questions combined with her reported luxury shopping sprees and diva-like behavior [on screen: Palin at home, cooking, while Matt Lauer and Greta Van Susteren, at separate times, look on]. Oh, my God, Matt Lauer, I didn't see you coming in, you caught me home-making, and a completely separate Alaska camera crew shoot I'm just making some moose chili and, oh, Greta you, you came in, you also caught me at my most relateable [on screen: Palin explaining she doesn't shoot moose because 'caribou hunts are easier']. Of course, man is the most dangerous game of all. All I'm saying is you wander into my backyard you will end up in a pan stuffed with cheese" --Jon Stewart

"I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say things are not going well for the Republicans. Two years ago they controlled both the White House and the Congress. Soon, they'll be controlling both the Coke machine and the fry station" --Stephen Colbert

Late-Night TV Videos
Daily Show: Palin's PR Blitz
Colbert Report: The Word - Pity Party

Nov. 11, 2008

"I guess you know, President Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting yesterday. And to tell you the truth, they found, with all their differences, they had one thing in common: neither one of them trust the Clintons." --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama is being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, 'The United States can only have one president.' To which Bush said, 'Hey, that's not what Cheney told me." --Jay Leno

"After the election, Barack Obama's family in Kenya slaughtered 4 bulls, 16 chickens and an assortment of goats out of happiness. And in Alaska, out of anger, Sarah Palin slaughtered 4 bears, 16 moose and a bunch of foxes." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is finally speaking to reporters. And whoo, not a moment too soon, huh? Last night, she was on Fox News with Greta Van Susteren. Today, she was on the 'Today' show with Matt Lauer. In fact, this week, she's going to speak to a bunch of other governors in Miami. Then she's going to go on a long tour to return clothes to different department stores all across America." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Governor Palin is continuing to defend herself about that clothes issue. She says she has never even stepped foot in a Neiman Marcus. In fact, she thought Neiman Marcus was the president of the Philippines." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, Barney the White House dog bit a reporter last Friday. And today Rahm Emanuel bit Barney." --Jay Leno

"Well today, President Bush defended the dog. He said, 'Hey, I know how frustrating it is when you aren't able to express yourself by talking.'" --Jay Leno

"And there's a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up Secretary of State, which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world. To which Bill said, 'Yes!'" --Jay Leno

"In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He'll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally we're getting some young blood in there." --Jay Leno

"And speaking of young blood, we are very excited. Senator John McCain is on the show tonight. And I thought this was very nice. He blew off an interview with Katie Couric to be here." --Jay Leno

"The United States Postal Service said the economy's so bad, it will have its first layoffs in the history of the post office. May lay off 40,000 workers, yeah. Company officials said they have no idea what happened. They don't understand why people aren't using the mail like they used to, and they said all 40,000 workers would be notified by email. I don't know. Is that a good idea, 40,000 disgruntled postal workers at holiday time? That doesn't sound like a good thing." --Jay Leno

"Today is Veterans' Day, and John McCain laid a wreath at the tomb of the unknown plumber." --David Letterman

"But now we see some bitterness. We see some back biting, and Sarah Palin is saying that the reason they lost the election is the media. The media is to blame for losing. It's the media. Well, yeah, because it's their fault that she entered beauty contests instead of a library." --David Letterman

"You're not going to believe this. Bush's approval rating has dropped to an historic low. I'm telling you now, this guy has really got his work cut out for him for his third term." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? President-elect Barack Obama announced that he's moving into the White House, his family, the two girls and his wife and his mother-in-law. Don't worry. It still has to be approved by the Senate. A mother-in-law in the White House? Honestly? I thought this was the administration that was against torture." --David Letterman

"You know the Secret Service that follows the candidates around and stuff? They have nicknames for the people that they work with. Like Barack Obama, his nickname, the Secret Service called him 'Renegade.' John McCain, I think they called him 'Maverick.' President Bush's Secret Service nickname is 'Occupant.'" --David Letterman

"But yesterday was a big day, because George Bush graciously invited President-elect Barack Obama. So you had there in the White House, the president-elect and the president-inept. It was a nice gathering." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama was thrilled, I mean, thrilled, because even as a United States senator, he had never really been to the White House, so he was thrilled to be there. He thought, for a minute, he was getting a 21-gun salute. Whoa! It turned out it was just Cheney fooling around." --David Letterman

"President Bush is mad at Barack Obama, because Obama leaked details of the private meeting they had yesterday in the Oval Office. Yeah, Bush says, 'What happens in the couch fort stays in the couch fort.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power." --Conan O'Brien

"One of the Obama girls is allergic to dogs, so someone has offered the Obamas a puppy that is completely hairless. Yeah. In fact, the children have already given the puppy the name James Carville." --Conan O'Brien

"Big goings on at the White House. Yesterday, our President-elect, Barack Obama and his wife Michelle, visited with President and Mrs. Bush. Obama has been very critical of the president. Fortunately, though, the president cannot read, so he didn't know about it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The only awkward moment was when Bush complimented Obama on his campaign. He said, 'You did a heck of a job, Brownie.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama said his favorite part of the tour was when the president showed him the secret dial under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I am giddy is what I am, because I had such a lovely day off yesterday, which was ruined by Barack Obama. Yesterday, the Obamas visited with President Bush. Yes, they visited with President Bush at their future residence, the White House. Hey, for the record, a real candidate of change would move into the Air and Space Museum. How fun would that be? I didn't like how Obama got all handsy with the president [on screen: Obama putting his hand on the top of Bush's back as they walked into the White House together]. You don't see President Bush invading people's personal space. Unless they have oil." --Stephen Colbert

"Of course, Joe Biden still hasn't met with Dick Cheney. I don't get it. Why wouldn't Biden have the common courtesy to go to a secret location and meet a guy who is known for shooting old men in the face?" --Stephen Colbert

Late-Night TV Videos
Tonight Show: John McCain Interview
Daily Show: Greatness Watch: Road to Rushmore
Colbert Report: The Obamas Meet the Bushes

Nov. 10, 2008

"I thought this was kind of cute. Senator Barack Obama, President-elect Barack Obama and his wife went on their first date since the election. They actually went on a date, they went out and had dinner. And it is weird, though, when you think about it, don't you, to have a Democrat in the White House who actually dates his own wife?" --David Letterman

"And then today, the big transition process begins, because earlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president-inept, so they were there together." --David Letterman

"But I'm no pundit. I don't know anything about politics, but as soon as Barack Obama shook hands with President Bush, Obama's ratings went down 10 points." --David Letterman

"There was a little confusion at the meeting there at the White House when President Bush was told that Obama was coming. He said oh, you mean we caught him?" --David Letterman

"You kind of got to feel bad for President Bush, the lame duck president, in the White House, and in comes the new hot guy, you know, so Bush obviously is going to be nervous. I mean, he kept referring to Obama, he kept calling him Chevy. And then Obama said to Bush, he said, now what is your biggest challenge in the Oval Office? And Bush said, you know what it was? My biggest challenge in the Oval Office, hanging pictures on those curved walls." --David Letterman

"But I thought this was nice. While Bush met with Obama, Vice President Cheney took Joe Biden waterboarding." --David Letterman

"Meanwhile, John McCain, don't forget about John McCain. While all of this was going on, John McCain was waiting for his name to be called at IHOP." --David Letterman

"But I'm telling you, ladies and gentlemen, in the world of politics, there is always something that goes haywire, always something that screws up, always something that ruins a lovely event. There is always that bump in the road, and it happened earlier today at the White House. An historic meeting, you have Barack Obama meeting with George W. Bush, and he showed up there for his orientation tour. So did Hillary." --David Letterman

"Hey, did you see this on the news? In the country of Sierra Leone, six out of ten male newborns at the Freetown main hospital were named Barack Obama. Six out of ten. Even more amazing: at least 23 babies born in North Carolina last year [were] named John Edwards, Jr. How about that?" --Jay Leno

"Today was another historic day. President Bush took President-elect Barack Obama on a tour of the White House. At one point, Barack opened a closet. Bush said, 'Oh, don't open that,' and a huge stack of unread intelligence memos fell out." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama attended a parent-teacher conference at his daughters' school the other day. And a very positive meeting. The teacher said, both the girls already reading at a President Bush level." --Jay Leno

"As you know, President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy if they move to the White House. And he's already getting advice on what the best breed of dog to get. For example, today, President Clinton told him the Oval Office is a great place for a husky female." --Jay Leno

"Everybody seems to be ganging up on Sarah Palin lately. Have you noticed that? Oh, boy. Now, when she goes hunting, the moose return fire. That's how bad it's gotten." --Jay Leno

"Well, Sarah Palin continuing to speak out. She said she now knows Africa is not a country. She also knows that, with the campaign over, she's looking forward to a nice, relaxing vacation in the nation of Hawaii." --Jay Leno

"And the controversy continuing over those clothes she bought, or the Republicans bought, or the Republicans want the clothes back. Do you know this story? I say, let Sarah Palin keep the clothes. She can have the clothes. What are a bunch of male Republicans going to do with a bunch of women's clothes? I guess that's kind of creepy." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to a new post-election survey, people want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. That's what it says. It says she's been getting thousands of calls from people pleading with her to run, all Democrats." --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Daily News, a New Jersey City Councilman named Steve Lipski got so drunk at a Grateful Dead tribute band concert -- not even the Grateful Dead, a Grateful Dead tribute band concert -- he urinated off the balcony of the nightclub onto the people below. A politician urinating on people. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls that, foreplay" --Jay Leno

"This is true, according to a new report, I was reading this today in the paper, thousands of pregnant mothers in this country are planning to name their baby Barack. That's true. Yeah, after hearing this, Sarah Palin told Bristol, 'Don't even think about it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Historic day at the White House. Earlier today at the White House, you probably saw this, President Bush had a private meeting, in the Oval Office, with President-elect Barack Obama. Ten afterwards, Obama met with Dick Cheney to see how things really work." --Conan O'Brien

"Since becoming the president-elect, Barack Obama has been getting the same daily national security briefings that President Bush receives. Except, when they brief Obama, national security advisers are allowed to leave in the scary parts." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if you saw this on TV this weekend. Commentator Joe Scarborough said the 'F' word on MSNBC. Of course, at MSNBC, the 'F' word is Fox News." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, lots of sour news about the economy. The federal government has announced that due to the bad economy, it is going to have to lay off 40,000 postal workers. Yeah, 40,000 disgruntled postal workers. What could possibly go wrong?" --Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard During the Bush/Obama Meeting

10. You sure you want this job?
9. Actually, sir, I do mind if you call me "Barack-odile Dundee."
8. Let me know if you want the Secret Service to frisk you for fun.
7. I appreciate the offer, but you can take the spittoons with you.
6. Honest opinion: would it be a mistake to pardon Amy Winehouse?
5. Is that Roger Clinton sleeping on the sofa?
4. The red phone is for talking to world leaders, the blue phone is for ordering Domino's.
3. When there's a big crisis, you might be here as late as 4 pm.
2. Other than the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, the deficit, the crumbling  infrastructure, our energy policy, Gitmo
and global warming, is there anything else I need to fix?
1. When can you start?

Nov. 7, 2008

"You have earned your new puppy, and America has sent a clear message: Joe the plumber should shut the hell up." -Bill Maher

"Americans have finally got beyond our racial past, and picked a black man to clean up our mess." -Bill Maher

"But I'm sure you all remember where you were on Tuesday night. A very emotional night, watching the returns come in. So many of my friends who were gathered around me shed tears, I thought the Jacuzzi was going to overflow. And the spontaneous celebrations that went on! I was watching the TV, I saw black people pouring into the streets. I said, 'Oh s**t, what'll the LAPD do now?'" -Bill Maher

"Now, President-elect Obama got a very special call from President Bush the other day. Bush acknowledged the historic nature of Obama's win, and then he said, 'and you know, you don't sound that black on the phone.'" -Bill Maher

"Bush, by the way, had a big, sort of a tearful farewell to his staff the other day in the Rose Garden, and it came out that he's shopping his memoirs. They're called The Audacity of 'Huh?'" -Bill Maher

"Couple of problems. He hasn't been offered as much money as he thinks he deserves for his memoirs, and when they asked him to write an autobiography, he said, 'I don't really know that much about cars.'" -Bill Maher

"Did you see Obama's news conference today? Wow. I have to say, nice to see adults back in charge of government. The White House press corps, you could tell, they were ecstatic. It's been years since they've heard a complete sentence." -Bill Maher

"The stock market had its worst week in a long time, and that's saying something considering recent history. Not only that, the stores are reporting their worst earnings in the last eight years, unemployment is at a 14-year high, car companies apparently are headed toward extinction. Today in Times Square, the stock ticker just said, 'What the f**k are you looking at?'" --Bill Maher

"And yet, with all these problems, somehow bigotry won out here, even in liberal California. We voted to outlaw gay marriage. ... But I have to stand with the gays on this. Gay people, I think, have every right to insist that they will not be happy until they're allowed to be miserable." --Bill Maher

"We found out that the Mormons are the ones that financed this thing against Prop 8. They spent $20 million on Prop 8, because they say that marriage should be between a man and his multiple child brides." --Bill Maher

"Alaska seems to have re-elected Senator Ted Stevens, who is 84 and going to prison. What is up with Alaska? I have a feeling, when a moose gets shot up there, his last thought is, 'I can't believe I'm losing to these a**holes'" --Bill Maher

"The effects of the Barack Obama election win are still reverberating throughout the country. A lot of pride in the African-American community. Have you noticed that? And listen to the latest rumor. You hear about this? ... Michael Jackson now considering going back to being a black guy." --Jay Leno

"This was actually in the paper today, that both parties are already preparing for 2012. Isn't that unbelievable? But I was thinking, it's going to be tough for Barack Obama to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012. I mean, what's it gonna be? 'Don't change, everything's fine, don't change anything, keep it exactly the same!'" --Jay Leno

"Been a lot of stories from Germany about how America has come to terms with its past and is beginning to make up for it. Now look. I know our country is not perfect, but we do a pretty good job working out our problems. Do we need a lecture from Germany? When they elect a Jewish chancellor, give me a call. Okay?" --Jay Leno

"And there have been rumors that if the economy continues to get worse, that Barack Obama may have to suspend plans for any income or capital gains tax increases. In fact, they say Obama's considering suspending all tax increases, except those on Joe the plumber. His are going to go up." --Jay Leno

"Well, did you see Joe the plumber on the news today? Isn't his 15 minutes of lame just about up? Anyway, he was asked how he felt about his role in the election. This is what he said. He said, 'I didn't dream about becoming a household name. Now, I'm right up there with Ajax.' Yeah, except the big difference is, Ajax works." --Jay Leno

"Of course, everybody now is speculating what the future of the GOP will be. GOP now stands for, of course, 'Ganging up on Palin.'" --Jay Leno

"The rumor is the GOP is blaming Sarah Palin for losing the election. But to be fair, Sarah Palin didn't pick Sarah Palin. Isn't that right?" --Jay Leno

"A reporter from Fox News who interviewed Sarah Palin said that Sarah Palin didn't know that Africa was a continent. To which President Bush said, 'I didn't know either. I thought it was a vowel.'" --Jay Leno

"Did you see this story in Newsweek this week? One of the things they complained about, that when some campaign staffers went up to Sarah Palin's hotel room to talk to her, she answered the door wearing nothing but a towel. Apparently, some of the guys on the campaign staff complained. Yeah, yeah, the ones it didn't happen to." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is interested in writing his memoirs after he leaves office. He wants to remember his days in the White House, while the rest of us, of course, are trying to forget." --Jay Leno

"And yesterday at the White House, President Bush's dog, Barney, bit a White House reporter. Bush said, 'Finally!'" --Jay Leno

"It was revealed that Dick Cheney, we haven't seen much this week, spent Election Day in South Dakota, shooting peasants, I mean, pheasants." --Jay Leno

"And in other election news, Massachusetts voted to decriminalize marijuana, it won by 65% of the vote, which is amazing. Well, that is huge. It's really big when you consider, most marijuana supporters don't even show up at the polls until next Tuesday." --Jay Leno

"And up in San Francisco, the proposition to decriminalize prostitution was defeated. It was defeated. Well, there are many who believe that prostitution should be legalized, because then it could be controlled and taxed. It could be taxed. You know who's against this? Hookers making over $250,000 a year." --Jay Leno

"Actually, according to the papers today, the economy is hurting prostitutes. They say the prostitutes working the brothels in Nevada are having a hard time making enough money to pay their mortgages. Yeah, business is way down. Which is kind of sad. I mean, you hate to see these women just out walking the streets, you know?" --Jay Leno

"And according to a federal report, unemployment claims went up by 300,000. And that's just Republicans in Washington." --Jay Leno

"The election was held Tuesday, and still six and a half percent of Americans are undecided. Can you believe that?" --David Letterman

"You know, Obama won, but they still haven't broke the news to McCain." --David Letterman

"I feel bad for John McCain. I guess that endorsement from Dick Cheney came a little too late." --David Letterman

"Do you folks miss the campaign a little bit? Here's what I miss. I miss the sexy robo calls from Sarah Palin, that's really what I miss." --David Letterman

"By the way, don't worry about Sarah Palin, she's already back to selling Mary Kay products, so she's going to to be fine." --David Letterman

"President Bush is getting ready to move out of the White House. He spent all today, spending all his time in the supply room, stealing stationery." --David Letterman

"Obama is planning a bipartisan cabinet. And meanwhile, McCain is taking bicarbonate from the cabinet." --David Lettermanc

"And this is sad, you hate hearing about this, but staffers are saying that John McCain is depressed. And I think there is something true to the story, because I heard today that he had made an appointment with Joe the therapist." --David Letterman

"This country is a mess. We all know that, but I'll tell you something, Barack Obama is not wasting one moment trying to clean it up. He was elected on Tuesday night. Already, he's selected his chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel. He is said to be close to naming the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of state and a newly created position, secretary of kicking out George Bush." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama held his first news conference today as president-elect. Some veteran White House reporters were actually a little bit confused, because he didn't make up any words and almost everything he said made sense." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today, at his first press conference as President-elect, Barack Obama said America will succeed if we can put aside partisanship and politics. Nice. Yeah, in other words, we're totally screwed." --Conan O'Brien

"Sports Illustrated says Barack Obama is going to install a basketball court at the White House. Isn't that cool? Yeah, yeah. And in order to make room, workers at the White House will have to get rid of President Bush's Slip 'n Slide. " --Conan O'Brien

"People are excited all over the world. In Kenya, true story, thousands of expectant mothers are planning to name their babies after Barack Obama. That's true. Yeah. The Kenyans are really glad Obama won, because in Swahili, 'John McCain' means 'your goat just ate my daughter.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Oprah Winfrey has said she will not accept the role of an ambassador to a foreign country if it were offered to her by Barack Obama. She wouldn't accept. On the other hand, Obama did announce that his new surgeon general is Dr. Phil." --Conan O'Brien

"Some of the smaller elections across the country on Tuesday were very close. The election for mayor in a small town in Minnesota was a tie, so they decided to choose a winner with a coin toss. Unfortunately, the economy is so bad, no one had a coin." --Conan O'Brien

Late-Night TV Videos
Campaign 2008's Best Late-Night Laughs
Bill Maher: Farewell to Douchebags
Bill Maher: New Rules: GOP Nonsense
Late-Night Jokes of the Week

David Letterman's Top Ten Things George W. Bush Wants to Accomplish While Still In Office

10. Finish those little projects he keeps putting off like fixing the economy.
9. Get Cheney a "goodbye" defibrillator.
8. Challenge Lincoln's ghost to rassle.
7. Host farewell mixer for the detainees at Gitmo.
6. Now that he's got nothing to lose, nail a  hefty intern.
5. Cement his legacy with a two month vacation.
4. Put Chuck Norris on the nickel.
3. See if Obama can take over sooner, like Tuesday.
2. Get Condi laid.
1. Hasn't he done enough already?

Nov. 6, 2008

"Political analysts are saying today that Barack Obama's win was unprecedented. Which again confused President Bush. He said, 'Unprecedented? You mean, he didn't win? He got unpresidented? Already?'" --Jay Leno

"In fact, starting today, Barack Obama is now going to receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It's the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples." --Jay Leno

"Don't you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama's first 24 hours? They said, 'Day One: American Held Hostage!'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, Barack Obama's wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack's first order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that's it! No Larrys, no Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm." --Jay Leno

"People are now asking if the Obamas being in the White House will be a return to Camelot. You know like what it was during the Kennedys? As opposed to the last eight years, which is return to the 'Dukes of Hazzard.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama promised a new America in which the powerless will have a voice. So, he's already reaching out to Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Of course, a lot of famous sound bites will be remembered for this campaign. There were some good ones. Barack Obama saying, what was his one? Oh, 'We are the change that we seek.' John McCain  saying, 'I would rather lose an election than lose a war.' Sarah Palin saying, 'Do you have this in size 6?'" --Jay Leno

"Rumor is, still a lot of infighting within the McCain campaign, between the Palin people and the McCain people. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but earlier today, Sarah Palin put McCain's campaign bus on eBay." --Jay Leno

"In the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, Barack Obama says if he is fortunate to win the White House, he would like to install a basketball court. That's what he said. It's going to be built right on top of what is now the bowling alley." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy when they move into the White House. You see that, he promised them a puppy. There's a long tradition of presidential pets. The first President Bush had Millie. Remember Millie, the White House dog? The current Bushes have two dogs, named Barney and Scott. Do you know the name of the dog in the Clinton White House? Bill. Bill was the dog." --Jay Leno

"Nnow that the election is over, people around the world are hoping that America will be less arrogant. Yeah. Ah, who the hell cares what those foreigners think? To heck with them. Lousy foreigners." --David Letterman

"And as you know, like they say, Barack Obama hits the ground running. He is already naming people to be part of the staff. He picked a guy Rahm Emanuel. Rahm Emanuel, is that the holiday the writers are always taking off?" --David Letterman

"But Obama is busy putting together his presidential cabinet. McCain, John McCain, Senator McCain is putting together his medicine cabinet. Maalox, Metamucil, Polydent, on and on." --David Letterman

"Right about now, John McCain is at home, saying, if only I didn't anger Dave, if only I didn't anger Dave. And Obama believes that the election results gave him a mandate. A mandate, that is what got that Senator Larry Craig in trouble, wasn't it?" --David Letterman

"I love stuff like this, because it so early that everything now is new and cute and the Obama family looking for a White House dog. ... Once the Obama's choose a dog, he must then be confirmed by the Senate." --David Letterman

"But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached." --David Letterman

"This is fun, because Republican campaign insiders are now spilling their guts about Sarah Palin. Apparently she's not taken the defeat well. And it must be true because today before shooting a moose, she pistol-whipped it." --David Letterman

"I get this feeling that the country's starting to come together. And actually, it was borne out today in the newspaper. Yesterday, apparently, First Lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Isn't that nice? And Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, 'While I give you a tour, the girls can watch 'Spongebob' with the president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama -- there's a town in Japan called Obama -- say they're going to invite Barack Obama to visit. Yeah. And actually, a similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected, and he was invited to Horndog, Thailand." --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. Yeah, and actually, Obama's first phone call was to Sarah Palin. He sent her flowers." --Conan O'Brien

"Sources from the McCain campaign are starting to talk. And they said today that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

"In the news, Chinese president Hu Jintao says that now that Barack Obama has been elected, he is looking forward to taking the relationship between China and the U.S. to the next level. That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Who knows, maybe we'll even go all the way.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After this week's election, this is true, thousands of mothers in Kenya are expected to name their babies Barack Obama. Isn't that cool? Yeah. And then, they'll all be adopted by Angelina Jolie. She's going to have 600,000 kids named Barack Obama" --Conan O'Brien

Newsweek magazine and Fox News are reporting that Sarah Palin did not know that Africa is a continent, she thought this was a country. She didn't know what countries were in the North American Free Trade Agreement, even though it's just us, Canada, and Mexico in North America. Anoth